A Mom's Story: Why ONA is Really, Really Important

My beloved daughter, a baptized Christian, first came out to me as a lesbian when she was 12.

Beloved Daughter, Age 12

It was 2007, my first year as an ordained minister. I had accepted a call at my dream church. They mentioned to me that they had conversations many years prior about becoming Open & Affirming  (aka ONA = completely accepting of LGBT people among others), and agreed that it was too decisive, so they stopped talking about it. I understood. These conversations were hard, and we're nice and good people so why do we have to SAY it?

I remember our conversation like it was yesterday...“Mom, I think I have a crush on this girl, what do I do about it?”  My response - Um, well… are you sure? I mean, you’ve kind of chased boys ever since you were a tiny girl, this might just be a phase.”

I tried to be OK with what she was telling me, to hold my emotions in and be supportive. Because that’s what you do, you try to just love your kid. It’s God-Ordained.

There is a world of hurt out there, and your number one job is to protect your child from the hurt. And you can't be scared, or they might be scared. Loving them is the most important job you will ever be given. God is love, and love always wins, right?

New in ordained ministry, I went to a senior colleague and confided…what do I do? He gave me some sage advice but damned if I remember it. Afterwards I went to my car and cried my eyes out. I was scared for her. I wasn’t sure if her family would accept her. And I was a feeling a little sad that my perceived vision of her fairy-tale wedding would look nothing like the one I imagined for her.

Will the ugliness that I had seen in church circles scorch her? Truly, I wasn’t even sure if I would be made to choose between my child or my call. I'm ashamed by such an ugly thought.

Beloved Daughter, Age 23

Maybe she sensed the feelings that were swirling in my heart, because she went back in the closet. She stuffed her natural feelings and began dating boys, a long line, in rapid succession. Maybe she was trying to prove something to herself – or more likely, to me.

Surely if she WAS a lesbian, some at church would still love her. Some wouldn't. I took my hope from those who were personally Open & Affirming – even if my local church "officially" wasn’t.

The sweet lady with the uncle who tragically died too young from AIDS. The older woman who couldn’t be prouder of her gay son and his husband. The former submarine man who didn’t have time for anyone’s homophobic bullshit. These were my lighthouses in a storm.

When the Connecticut state law changed in 2010, I asked our deacons what I should do if someone calls me to perform a same-sex wedding. It was a valid question, and maybe as a still fairly new associate pastor a little pot-stirring was expected.

That question opened the Pandora’s box that had been closed so many years before (but not really) when the church held a round of informational sessions and decided to not vote over fears of a church split. I don't know if I ever received the full story on that period in our church's history, but it was before my time. 

The church took on a new round of study on ONA and we voted by paper ballot. The initiative passed with broad-ish support. We adopted a well-written and thoughtful statement, which was posted on our website. We were given very clear instructions that this was as far as we should go. 

The ONA Statement upset some, and those who needed to move on, did. Some who disagreed with the statement stayed, and have for the most part been respectful (although it hurts to hear rumblings about fear of become a 'rainbow flag' church - as if that's a bad thing). Some of those for whom our actions were not bold enough moved on too. 

In her sophomore year of college, at the tender age of 20, beloved daughter fell in love with a woman that tore her apart emotionally, financially and physically. She was her first. Unfortunately, the woman who was supposed to love her systematically abused her using classic techniques such as alienation and gas-lighting. My beloved daughter became too scared and unsure to “come out” to her parents due to what this woman had told her. 

Beloved Daughter & Me, Present Day

Because beloved daughter regarded me as a lukewarm LGBT advocate, she didn’t think my husband or I would truly approve of her “lifestyle”. Her abuser knew this, and used it to her advantage. At the height of the abuse beloved daughter did not speak to us for 6 months. 

I do not exaggerate when I say this period of disconnection almost killed me. More importantly, it almost killed my beloved daughter to walk away from her church and family.

The problem was, she couldn’t be 100% sure after 7 years of attending worship nearly every Sunday that we loved her for exactly who God called her to be. Would she really be safe with us? And Jesus wept.

Beloved daughter knew who she was as early as her first year of Junior PF. My husband and I didn't listen, out of fear. And we were so wrong.

Today, after a lot of work and prayer, beloved daughter is in her final year of grad school for social work. She is soon to be an intern at a domestic violence non-profit. We are so proud that she has grown in her own acceptance and wisdom and is channeling her negative experiences into helping others. She hasn't lost her faith. And we could not be prouder of her, she is amazing and healthy and strong and compassionate. Thank you, Jesus.

Please understand me when I say that for some of us, being crystal clear about naming how loving, open, accepting and welcoming we are as a community of faith is a life or death situation. Talking about it will not turn our kids gay, or make us the gay church in town. But it will make everyone who comes 100% certain that they will be safe here. Which is why yesterday I hung a rainbow flag in my office window. I hope that our community understands the urgency of our witness soon. Perhaps they will hang a flag where people can actually see it.

God is love, and love always wins, right? 

Sabbatical Reading List

One of my loudest complaints (to myself) these past few years in ministry is that I haven't had much time to read. And there is SO MUCH good stuff out there! Having the opportunity to dig into a stack of books will be fantastic. Carrying them to the Holy Land... may be rough but I'll deal.

If you want to read along with what I'll be reading during my overseas sabbatical, here are the titles (along with intro snippets from Amazon), Some of them have been on my list for a while.

The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World, by Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu and Douglas Carlton Abrams: Two spiritual giants. Five days. One timeless question. Nobel Peace Prize Laureates His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu have survived more than fifty years of exile and the soul-crushing violence of oppression. Despite their hardships—or, as they would say, because of them—they are two of the most joyful people on the planet. The Archbishop has never claimed sainthood, and the Dalai Lama considers himself a simple monk. In this unique collaboration, they offer us the reflection of real lives filled with pain and turmoil in the midst of which they have been able to discover a level of peace, of courage, and of joy to which we can all aspire in our own lives.

Because - Joy. How do we find it after tragedy, oppression, trauma?

From Beirut to Jerusalem, by Thomas L. Friedman:  Three-time Pulitzer Prize winner Thomas L. Friedman drew upon his ten years of experience reporting from Lebanon and Israel to write this now-classic work of journalism. In a new afterword, he updates his journey with a fresh discussion of the Arab Awakenings and how they are transforming the area, and a new look at relations between Israelis and Palestinians, and Israelis and Israelis.

Because - The Middle East is a complicated place. Much of what is available in news channels is so black and white. How do they build a path to peace?

Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates:  Coates shares with his son—and readers—the story of his awakening to the truth about his place in the world through a series of revelatory experiences, from Howard University to Civil War battlefields, from the South Side of Chicago to Paris, from his childhood home to the living rooms of mothers whose children’s lives were taken as American plunder. Beautifully woven from personal narrative, reimagined history, and fresh, emotionally charged reportage, Between the World and Me clearly illuminates the past, bracingly confronts our present, and offers a transcendent vision for a way forward.

Because - It's our original sin as a nation, and the disturbing rise of neo-nazi groups have underscored the fact that racism isn't over in the US. How do we heal the brokenness and move forward together? It's a difficult question to answer without listening to the voices of those who are most directly impacted.

Hillbilly Elegy, By J D Vance:  A passionate and personal analysis of a culture in crisis—that of white working-class Americans. The decline of this group, a demographic of our country that has been slowly disintegrating over forty years, has been reported on with growing frequency and alarm, but has never before been written about as searingly from the inside. J. D. Vance tells the true story of what a social, regional, and class decline feels like when you were born with it hung around your neck.

Because - We witnessed this phenomenon this summer on a mission trip to Frakes, KY. The American dream is not equally experienced across the country. What are the underlying factors that have disintegrated the dream and how do we move forward?

Simple Church, by Thom Ranier and Eric Geiger: #1 national bestseller Simple Church guides Christians back to the simple gospel-sharing methods of Jesus. No bells or whistles required. With insights based on case studies of 400 American churches, Thom Rainer and Eric Geiger prove the disciple-making process is often too complex. Simple churches thrive by taking four ideas to heart: Clarity. Movement. Alignment. Focus.

Because - I'm on sabbatical from leading a church, and I'd like for us to begin tackle governance when I return. My gut tells me that we over complicate things. What does "simple church" look like? Hopefully this is not a dumbing down, but a streamlining for effectiveness.

Thank You for Being Late, by Thomas L. Friedman: Exposes the tectonic movements that are reshaping the world today and explains how to get the most out of them and cushion their worst impacts. You will never look at the world the same way again after you read this book: how you understand the news, the work you do, the education your kids need, the investments your employer has to make, and the moral and geopolitical choices our country has to navigate will all be refashioned by Friedman’s original analysis.

Because - The World is shifting in new ways and I'd like to know more.

Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, Lisa Lamour: In this sane, highly engaging, and informed guide for parents of daughters, Dr. Damour draws on decades of experience and the latest research to reveal the seven distinct—and absolutely normal—developmental transitions that turn girls into grown-ups, including Parting with Childhood, Contending with Adult Authority, Entering the Romantic World, and Caring for Herself. Providing realistic scenarios and welcome advice on how to engage daughters in smart, constructive ways, Untangled gives parents a broad framework for understanding their daughters while addressing their most common questions

Because - I feel sometimes like I don't understand the transition to adulthood for girls, and knowing more may help. Also, the last book I was able to read was Masterminds & Wingmen by Rosalind Wiseman, a book about adolescent male development. It greatly helped me in both understanding my son, but also the other young men that come through our youth program at MCC.

I'll write some thoughts from time to time about the readings, my adventures (w/pics) so that you know what I'm up to. Happy reading!

REboot

Hello, blog! It's been a while. My last post to the page was in October, 2012 when I wrote about the Puritan practice of the Election Day Sermon (Zzzzz). Well, we're over the finish line of another Presidential election cycle and the country seems as on edge as we've ever been. I've become really thin-skinned about all the ugly public discourse. I've tried to find grace and focus on root issues. But it's hard. A 24-hour news cycle leaves little opportunity for fact-checking, and people seem quick to believe lies and jump on bandwagons, and well, just "other" each other. I'm still full of hope that things will turn for the better, perhaps that makes me naive.

Since my last post, I've moved from one small New England Town to another and now live about 200 feet from the wonderful UCC church full of people that I have grown to dearly love (ten years next week!). As a community, we struggle sometimes over deep wounds and losses. For example, many of us are still frustrated that nothing has been done to change gun violence. Or addiction. Or that the access to mental health resources is so inadequate. We've faced staffing turnover, which has brought challenges.Two ministry colleagues have come and gone, but a third seems to be sticking (she's great!). We face similar financial downturns as many other churches, and it makes it hard to meet the needs of vibrant ministry in this place. Dear, strong, generous members still move away for jobs or retirement or family. But we still try to bring the kingdom of God's love just a little bit closer and haven't given up on meeting the needs of our neighbors. For that, I am very grateful.

On the home front, our eldest has returned home, is in grad school and has come out as a gay woman (proud of her!). My husband has had... hmmm... three (or maybe 4) job changes, I am cautiously optimistic that his latest will stick. Youngest is trying to juggle preparation for Eagle Scout, a job at a coffee shop, school, indoor track and his youth group (PF). And my family has trained to become a foster family, which has nearly taken us three years since first applying. Now that we have our licence, we came close to having a son move in... but that's on hold because he received the Christmas gift of a forever home with his current fosters. I've lost three dear family members, two grandma's and a great uncle who was my grandfather. It feels like my roots are gone some days. Oh, and surprise! I'm headed overseas on sabbatical soon.